Friday, September 07, 2007

Why I cry

~I wrote this when Thomas was new, I just thought I would share it~

My Mom used to tell me she would take a bullet for me, and tears would well up in her eyes. She looked so intense when she would say that. I would look away because it was sort of akward. I thought she was crazy. Why would she do that? Because she had already experienced life? and I was young, I still had a lot to offer the world? I was so selfish and niave. But you can't help it. When you only have to look out for yourself, why should you consider taking a bullet for someone?

Then I met Joel. Over time I decided I loved Joel. I decided that yes, I would take a bullet for him. When he would go out with his friends after we first got married, I would imagine all the awful things that could happen to him, and I would cry. He would come home, and I would be sitting in our bed, crying. Because I loved him SOOOO much. I didn't think I had the capacity to love more than one person that much.

Then my little Thomas was born. I sat awake the first night of his precious life and stared at him as he slept so peacefully, all five little pounds of him. I did not have to decide that I loved him, I just did. I did not have to decide I would risk my life for him, I just... would! I think about all the things that could hurt him, and I cry. I go to sleep at night thinking about how I can make his life the best, and how I don't want to miss any of it. Then I have to get up and pick him out of his crib and just soak up his sweet little baby smell. I wish I didn't have to sleep cause I hate missing out.

Then I see Joel holding Thomas, talking to him, kissing him and holding him so gently. Thomas just stares at him and makes little faces and sometimes he opens his tiny toothless mouth and grins so wide. And I cry. Cause that's the only way I can let out this emotion that is so huge. And I found that I do have enough room to love two people this much. I may find room for more someday.

Someday I will tell Thomas to his face that I would take a bullet for him while tears well up in my eyes. He won't understand. But now I do.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Just trying this out

I am new to this whole blogging thing, so bear with me as I learn. If you have any tips on how to make this easy and fun, let me know!